crazymama

In an interview on late night TV, Fiona Apple once commented on why she took so long to produce her last album after her sophomore album’s success. To paraphrase, she essentially said that she uses her piano as a way to exorcise her demons and release the inner torment through her music. So, when things are going well she rarely sits down and writes anything. “Because who would want to be stuck sitting at a piano all day when you could be doing so many other great things with your time?”

So it goes with blogging and I. When things are going relatively well I admit I start feeling uninspired to write. Because who wants to sit hammering out soul bearing topics at a laptop on the dining room table when the weather is absolutely beautiful outside?

All of this stripping down of my life to find what is truly important has kind of left me at a loss spiritually. My therapist suggested doing some research to find my way, like talking to people I knew. As a friend told me, “Perhaps you haven’t found God
because you haven’t actually searched for him yet.” I asked the advice of some particularly pious friends of mine and tried what they told me to do.  I appealed to God to come into my heart and show himself to me and show me the true way. Nothing happened. Well, nothing like what I expected, anyway (Jesus appearing to me while I am taking a shower to prove his existence). Not even a benevolent face on a friggin piece of burnt toast.

I am disappointed and disillusioned. These friends have all had extremely poignant and amazing conversion experiences that involved hearing voices from God speak to them, feeling the fire of the holy spirit burning within them, and feeling a presence surround them with spiritual love. Nothing makes a lonely and depressed person feel more lonely and depressed than being denied by the one being in creation who is supposed to love and accept everyone.

Maybe I didn’t try hard enough? Perhaps my anguish and sorrow wasn’t anguish-y and sorrow-y enough? Should I have brought out the hair shirts and back whipping thingies that monks used to use? Faith is such a conundrum, especially faith in God. If you don’t have it there is always some reason you can rationalize why.. and it is always through negligence on your part somehow.

I am 50% through Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth. I was skeptical at first when my therapist suggested it, only because Oprah loved it so much. I made it about 50 pages in to Eat, Pray, Love  before I threw it disgustedly across the room. Wouldn’t it be lovely if all of those in spiritual crisis could just pick up and move to India to find inner peace? Sorry, rich lady, but travelling through Europe to find myself isn’t on the menu for most of us.

What Tolle says has clicked for me so far. In a nutshell, he is wants everyone to just let go of the ego that rules us. The little voice inside that tells us we need more stuff, we are never good enough,that we need to feel better about ourselves through judgment of our fellow human beings.

To Tolle, the journey isn’t to find happiness somewhere and sometime it is about enjoying being alive now. Happiness is just an illusion created by the ego and therefore unattainable. His advice…just be. Feel your breath moving in and out of your lungs and the warmth of the sun on your skin. Enjoy the physical feeling of being alive instead of trapped in your mind always seeking the next thing to make you happy. Just BE.

I am going to try this. I will let you know how it works.