crazymama

Zoloft is now completely gone. I still have some withdrawals but am feeling like my old self again. My current quandary is that I don’t really know who that is anymore.

I still obsess about death. It is not all consuming like it was when I first was diagnosed with PPD but there is not a day that passes when I don’t think about it in some shape or form. Sometimes the old panic starts to swell up and sometimes I feel peaceful when I think about it. My current peaceful thought is that when I am dead i won’t know the difference. If there is nothing waiting for me after death then I won’t have any idea. My body will be rotting in the ground, the world will keep turning, and time will move on. All I can hope for is that I lived and loved well.

Now that the Zoloft is gone I am amazed at how emotional I have been lately. I don’t know if that is just a lingering withdrawal symptom or me. Because I am having a hard time remembering who I am.

I have this amazing appreciation lately for human beings and the mechanics of living. Our bodies are so complicated and work so effectively. I don’t even know my body’s whole potential yet. I am always inspired of people trying something new and then finding out that they are really good at it. That, to me, is so uplifting. Its like we have this body that is uniquely made like no one else’s and most of us really have no idea what it can do.

I know this post is all over the place but that is how I feel. Like I am just this person here who has all this hidden potential that is untapped, waiting for me to discover it. Like some kind of cosmic gift from my ancestors and all of those that lived before me. Thousands and thousands of years of people living, making babies, and then dying went into the creation of me. If my mom had waited one more month to get pregnant with me I would be something completely different. In fact, I wouldn’t be me at all.

Why am I here right now, in this period of time? What is my purpose in life? What can I do to live to my full potential? I wish I knew.