Jul 15 2009
Strength or Stress
I totally understand Brenda Slaby. You may or may not have heard her story (http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Story?id=5935342&page=1) but a couple of years ago she left her daughter in her minivan in the school parking lot where she worked. All day. In the hot summer sun. Her daughter was discovered later that afternoon, dead in her car seat.
After this happened, Slaby was thoroughly trashed on the internet and news as “America’s Most Hated Woman.” I watched Oprah’s interview with her sometime last year and was deeply moved by what I saw. My heart ached for this woman who will live with her daughter’s accidental death at her hands for the rest of her life. I cannot imagine that pain.
Slaby recounted feeling like she had to be everything to everyone: wife, mother, employee and had put her life on cruise control. Right now I totally get that. Why do we fall into this trap?
Last night I tossed and turned until 12 am over a Math test I had taken and not done well on. I was so stressed out about my score that I couldn’t sleep. The RN programs in California are so competitive that getting less than an A in any of the prerequisite classes could mean not gaining admission. My average right now is at 87%, 3% less than it should be and I am having a hard time getting past it.
I consider myself an intelligent person. I mean, I got through one of the hardest programs in the country, the Naval Nuclear Power Program (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Naval_Nuclear_Power_School). Looking back on that time, however, I remember how stressed and crazy I was back then. That program killed my first marriage and lead to an eventual nervous breakdown that I don’t talk about very often.
As Brenda Slaby found out, treading water when you have lives that depend on you is not only a shitty way to live but it is dangerous. Getting cut while walking the knife edge is not just a possibility but an eventuality.
Added to this stress is the fact that I am almost completely weaned from Zoloft. Without my doctor’s consent or knowledge. I feel like myself again, for better or for worse.
I am consumed with doubts. When do you know when it is time to admit you are in over your head? Can I really handle being in school and being a Mom? What if I just can’t be everything to everyone?
I have always considered myself a strong person. Having PPD made me doubt that for a very long time. Now I am wondering if perhaps our definition of strength is what is killing all of us. Who ever said that being strong means never admitting that something is beyond your capability or control? Perhaps being strong really means coming to terms with the fact that sometimes no matter how hard you work or how hard you try there are limits to what you can do. Maybe strength is the ability to let go.
You know, I was just thinking about her (Brenda Slaby) this week. I just found myself thinking how she must put herself in her own hell, each and every day, especially when the days are as hot as they have been lately. I can’t even imagine.
I think about you a lot too, Cate. I hope that you are taking care of yourself, in addition to all of the other stuff. Nothing but good thoughts coming your way….